reflect

SUFFERING IN TRANSITORY

The honest truth is I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.
Sometimes the things I do don’t make any sense in the moments I’m doing them.
It can frustrate me to keep a clean vessel, listen, devote myself so strongly and do good work and yet still experience suffering.
 
Keep growing, I choose this I remind myself.
 
 
Sometimes these dedicated windows of time I really dive in and hard work is repaid through a transition to change where I am more uncomfortable than I was before.
 
 
Waiting, waiting… Who am I? Do I need to know?
 
 
Initiations into new versions of ourselves require letting go in trust that something bigger is making its way into our world, it asks us all to get lost and to be in the void space from time to time- but not all these tests and for me most of them rarely feel good. I can wonder why myself. I can dream for a split second to be asleep again thinking ignorance is really bliss I suppose if you don’t look at the pain it causes.
 
 
So confusing it can be.
 
 
In times when there is nothing to hold onto I can fluctuate between sadness and excitement so frequently.
When there is nothing tangible to grasp it is a surrender we aren’t taught to cope with, rather we are taught to reach for the closest and easiest thing to make us feel good again which only prolongs the inevitable.
 
 
To get us away from the feeling of ‘not knowing’ some of us would do anything, not having it all figured out is too unbearable. I start to wonder why I need to know, why do I need something to hold onto.
 
 
Do I need to know who I am and where I am going?
My answer every time I am thrown into limbo is to simplify everything.
 
 
Where have I been forcing and controlling things, what Is not working for me, and most importantly is what I am doing still lighting me up? Every time I am a new version of myself, my reality shifts, people can look different, and what worked before might no longer work, I am different.
 
 
I am currently sitting in a moment with my analytical brain that cant piece my own puzzle together and as hard as It can feel to be here right now I try to feel grateful for these past few weeks, this dance with the dark side has bought me to my knees this time. The more I evolve and experience the light the darker it can get at times and that’s what they say the things closest to the light cast the biggest shadows.
 
No one talks much about this.
 
 
I am still not sure what its shown me yet, or what I am meant to be feeling or noticing but like our grief, if we choose to sit with it and watch it process we open to joy. I hold a belief that I can live lighter after any brush with the dark.
Is it the dark within myself that was here all along or is it showing me or perhaps even rewarding me by throwing me into the shadows?
 
 
What comes of this I am yet to know.
I get uncomfortable too.
 
 
I question everything and I believe that is the gift we receive for choosing evolution.
In the end, there is always suffering, no matter what you choose and these times might be here to prepare us in some way, shape, or form to see the suffering enough and to then do it differently.
 
 
Maybe even to let us feel how fragile this humanness can be. That we are all teaching each other and how we so often forget how much courage it takes to not know. To challenge what we have been shown in a world designed to keep us neat and tidy.
 
 
I am reminded I choose this way, I always have and I always will.
In fact, I chose this path in the midst of my suffering long ago.
I am simply here, and I do not always need to know.
Neither do you.
 
 
There is light and there is dark and they exist together, one is not good or bad, we all experience it how we need to,
I for one don’t want to be robbed of depth and living a full life so it’s okay to be here.
 
 
In the discomfort, I have learned to thrive and that’s what gives me the gift I teach others.
Transition, to go in and through.
Not for the faint-hearted.
Keep going…
 
 

Jessie

 

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