REACHING OUT WITH LOVE…

A piece from my book I felt called to share…

I was really interested to find along my heart healing journey that I, in fact wasn’t being unconditional with love even when I knew so much about it.

I wanted to share this story to invite more light to the shadow and as I write this I am still in a beautiful discovery to it.

When I was a child I would (as children do) reach out with love. It has become apparent to me that after so many attempts of this gesture and it being shut down and rejected that by the time I was 12 years old I really believed that love is actually conditional. That I must have to do things for love, that I have to hide parts of myself to fit in or be a certain way that is not myself to being loved, and that so sadly has been so present this lifetime for me. 

As an adult looking back at my relationships I can see that I have placed conditions on how far I could open to someone to avoid rejection— in return I have never felt fully understood or chosen when it comes to an intimate relationship.

I found myself in a three year relationship after my divorce that was the closest thing to unconditional love I have experienced but I was too traumatised to see clearly at that point in time so I never was able to shift that belief in that situation.

I found it mind blowing that I had so many tools and couldn’t figure out why certain things were unfolding for me..

I could go on dates, date someone for 6 months and always find myself at that point in time where I was feeling like just an option. Always meeting men that aren’t quite sure where they are at, with their energy still lingering with an ex, tied up in their work, the i’m not sure what I want right now, or, I don’t know if you having kids is working out for me, whatever it was became clear it was the same shit on a different day…

Now this part is important— I was allowing myself to be the option because I was being conditional with love. I had issues I was working on around feeling safe, setting firm and loving boundaries, being in my truth wondering how the hell am I still getting this all wrong?

All the while feeling ready and open for a relationship with generally my manifestation practice down to a tee I knew something else was there for me to see when I was ready to see it.

So I got to the point where enough was enough, my heart still opened to love through every rejection and every time I had to feel I was an option again was painful and it felt like such a harsh reality, sometimes so much so id just launch myself into my work and dream of when my kids are older how I would be choosing a life of being on my own, travelling and expanding solo.

From this you can discover I have avoidant tendencies in relationship and thats because reaching out for love was met painfully for me over and over and over. 

I ended up finding this unconscious belief and emotion stored through a rather painful and scary episode in the middle of the night where I felt my stomach was going to explode, I had epic fevers, I passed out to wake up dripping with sweat and vomiting.

I don’t usually have stomach issues so this was rare for me so I knew it was emotions coming to clear because I was travelling through an emotional time, what showed up in my body felt like I needed to really listen to it so I asked my talented kinesiologist friend and we uncovered this belief that its not safe to reach out with love, that I must have conditions around it for it to feel safe for me to enter.

In the shadows was this part of me that was so shut down to really experience love in an unconditional way.

The belief that love was actually unconditional was never really felt or embodied yet for me and as long as that remains I will always resonate this energy and perhaps stay as an option for people.

It brings up feelings of not being wanted, not good enough— all the things I associated with what I knew to be true from my experience as a little girl.

As this is integrated its important that I choose myself and do the work around this if I want this experience to change for me, I feel its important that I choose to reach out with love in small ways and begin to practice it when an opportunity shows up.

To embody within myself that love is unconditional means being with the small part of myself that is so shutdown and rejected in relation to receiving love and now as a self led adult I get to show her how unconditional love is.

Integrating this also means opening to receive it back because I am not an option and I, just as you are, as you are, as I am, are so worthy of so much love without conditions on, near or around it. 

Much much Love,

Jessie