Conditional Love creates pain

I am at an intersection.

One path says the comfort of what you choose is so familiar you should go walking it again, and the other path screams “get in, we are traversing new territory”.

Here I am 39, I have been a repeat offender in seeing the best in people and ignoring some big shimmering red flags.

The more I heal the smarter my wounds get, the more subtle I have to look out for when the wounding is choosing and I am losing my autonomy.

39, Trying my damn hardest to not feel so disappointed by my choices in Men, I own this… It is not the Men – I have chosen that for myself.

Yes, I chose the pain on not being heard, not being seen or accepted again and again. I chose to be tricked by fake laughs, planned speeches, Men in their mind and not in their hearts, Men needing to prove something that took priority over true connection, Men avoiding their pain therefore avoiding themselves, Men acting from an unconscious place that invalidated me and I allowed it because they were learning to consider me…

Maybe I was scared of a Man who is merged in his Mind and Heart, maybe I haven’t been ready and I have a strong feeling I needed to feel the pain again of leaving something that felt ‘so close to hitting the mark’.

Thats a story I tell myself too, it’s so close to hitting the mark and yet, there is big gapping hole on what I needed for relationships to feel safe.

A story that helps keep a pattern of depleting myself and not putting myself first, a pattern that was embedded that love is conditional, and it’s a pattern that is not true or helpful.

Something i won’t be taking with me…

I have experienced Men who people please their ex wives and not tie up divorces out of still being controlled. Men who are sitting in deep mother wounds looking for me to mother them unconsciously, and who are so enmeshed in their family dynamics they have very little true autonomy over their lives. I have painfully loved Men who don’t show up for me, that had no clear purpose and used me to inspire them, Men that haven’t been real with me because they cant show up or be real with themselves.

I’m not perfect. I have been a people pleaser, I carry a deep core wound that still needs work, one of not belonging, I don’t always feel safe in my body but the more I listen to my body around Men I learn so much. I learn about his nervous system, I learn if I feel safe and relaxed or on edge around him, I have been told by people my light got dimmer in a recent relationship and when I reflect its because it didn’t bring out the best in me but the hypervigilent in me.

What I have learned the most from this 39 years on earth is how I have needed to feel worthy from the inside, to stop seeking it outside of me – now I can see all the places I am not aligned to a Man that can’t hold all I am because I hold all of me with so much love.

I choose to hold myself with my own inner energy, with integrity of what I desire for my life, for my own heart. I learn with each experience ive had that I am more than capable of creating the safety for myself I have been seeking in Men who haven’t been able to give that to me and I am open to receiving it not from a place of desperation, but from a place of honouring.

The path I am on now means I listen, I listen to my body, I dont question it.
I watch and feel from my environments when I am at my best or worst. I dont change myself for the environment to fit.

Listening, it is the thing I feel I have overridden because as women we are taught to follow the Man, to lean on the man for support, that things happen in an order, you know… marriage, the house, kids and we need the man to accomplish it all. Its so outdated and old yet its so wired in our bodies, maybe it used to be different but what I see today is a lot of wounded people wounding people and to be part of a new way that creates healing we have to show up for ourselves in ways we raise the standards of what we let into our precious lives.

Not just anybody deserves access.
If we want safety we have to learn to get into the body, to hold all parts of ourselves and to have a standard of the people we choose to surround ourselves with.

When my boundaries create a feeling like I’m losing things from my life, I pause, I celebrate… those things aren’t for me or where I am going.

Let go with love.
Let go of all those things we ignore that keep us small.
Let go of people who aren’t safe for us.
Let go of environments that do not nurture us.

This helps to navigate the fake masks of people around us.
The sad thing is the masks are for protection which means the world largely lives in fear.
Humans operating in fear might not consciously choose that and it might not be their fault to why they are but it will block them from operating from love.
We need love to thrive, not fear.
We need an unconditional nature over conditions to provide safety and share connection.

A woman who has faced a lot of her own fear and who holds herself with a high standard of self respect deserves a Man who is not afraid to be in love.

And a Man who has faced a lot of his own fear and who holds himself in a high standard of self respect deserves a Woman who is not afraid to be in love.

Moral to the story…

The standards we hold internally determine what we attract.

💛 Love with no conditions.

Jessie