Why mindset alone and pushing outside our comfort zone with force can be damaging for us.

We have all experienced trauma.

We don’t need to have a massive life-defining ‘spiritual awakening’ to encounter remnants of the childhood wounds that shaped us but what challenges, crises, and life-defining changes do highlight for us is the baggage we have carried. 

Being ignored one too many times, told to be quiet too often, led by a fearful parent showing you the world is not safe, getting sick, being left alone when we needed someone to tell us it’s okay.

So not only is trauma the things that happened to us that we were left alone with, it Is the things that needed to happen for us that we didn’t receive. 

So, my question is would we look at a child and say “Get over it, push through it, give more energy, don’t be lazy” or would you say “Hey little one, what’s the matter? What do you need right now? I’m here with you lets figure this out together?”.

I have asked many clients “What would you say if a small child was next to you telling you what you just told me?”

And every time I hear a similar answer of “I would show them love, help them, hold them”, this is usually answered with emotion because the person realises they have been pushing parts of themselves away.

Whether we call parts of ourselves ugly, not good enough, or not capable, these parts of us live in the body communicating through sensation so when we tell a smaller part of us that has a fear of being judged “it’s not okay to do this, it’s not safe to express that” then we are internally suppressing trauma.

Mindset practices of self-efficiency, beliefs about our capabilities, motivation, and level of resilience play a part but won’t always have awareness that the nervous system is a two-way messenger within the body, the place we live that speaks through a feeling language, not logical mind language.

This is why so many people are sick in today’s society because we are shown to be “good” which means we forget ourselves so we are encouraged to bury our trauma and suppress ourselves.

This is making us sick and it’s only when we get sick enough, broke enough, or we feel life crumble, we break down, or lose people close to us that we see, feel, and sense it enough to really start to unpack it.

It’s not always a choice the way it happens when you initially experience some kind of change but there is always a choice to how you navigate the transition because it’s the transition that takes time.

I believe in pushing the edges and not staying too comfortable but I also believe in healing ourselves deeply as we go through change, otherwise, we miss the opportunity to explore it and it will knock on the door again later until we listen.

Rumi is one of my favourite writers and his poem ‘The Guest House’ says:

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

When we see that feelings come and go and emotions aren’t good or bad, just energy moving through us that we don’t have to always understand because the reason we have a cry or feel something intensely means we may have suppressed it so it’s the body communicating that time you felt alone, uncared for, unloved and it’s okay now to let it have a place to go out of the body so this young part doesn’t have to hold onto it.

When we open the door to realise we are made up of many parts that can simply come and go rather than being busy locking doors, hiding away, and punishing ourselves by working harder so we don’t have to feel the pain or discomfort of what happened a long time ago, perhaps that has even created a theme for our life.

If the core wounding of childhood is unworthiness then life could have felt pretty rejecting because the mind is programmed to believe and create this for you.

Mindset alone can be used as a tool to bypass the inner child, those parts of us that just want to be seen, heard, and loved – and we can give these parts everything they need from the adult self now. This is how we reparent.

There is no right or wrong way to start healing and a lot of us start with the mind, but we only get so far. If we choose mindset techniques and leave parts unattended the body will experience discomfort if we are pushing, or growing too fast to feel safe for the body and it will then show up for us through sickness, weight gain, or stored emotions which cause tension and stress when unchecked. 

When it is time to drop into the body and begin a somatic exploration of sensations, parts, and behaviours from feeling our wounds and tending to them when we push past an edge, when we choose growth or put ourselves out there we heal as we go, we might need more rest and to actually not push ourselves at all.

It’s interesting that a lot of people who don’t work somatically have a lot of stuff on the surface, get sick or burnt out, or are in crisis because they have pushed hard and not listened to the body in the process. 

The function of the nervous system is to supply the essential communication link between our internal and external worlds.

As our nervous system facilitates this two-way message delivery process, the brain speaks to the body and the body speaks to the brain. The central nervous system is controllable – that’s the part which is governed by your conscious thinking mind so when we can bring the mind and body connection into harmony it is only then we access the present moment to zoom out, regulate, and reparent ourselves.

If the mind and body are not working together there will be discomfort, if they are working together there will still be discomfort.

What if we aren’t here to suffer or call it uncomfortable?

What if we were to allow emotions to flow more freely and understand the body we occupy has the memory of past events and we can push ourselves and be aware of when we need to tend to parts trying to communicate to us at the same time?

When we stop and assess how our body responds to stress and slow down to be curious about those sensations we are in a process of knowing ourselves better.

This is hard in a world that has unhealthy expectations of us to forget ourselves.

It’s up to us to live this remembering of being whole.

Jessie